1. Make sure that the person who is making the call knows absolutely nothing about what the problem is. In fact, hire a temp just so they can know absolutely nothing about your company when they call in.
2. Vehemently deny any possibility of billing problems. In the event that the sneaky bastards trick you into admitting you haven't paid, say you never got a bill and "that girl I talked to last time" said you wouldn't have to pay until next month.
3. Don't be anywhere near the computer that's having problems. Try to make it sound like you're calling from your car on the freeway and writing down the instructions.
4. No matter what you're having trouble with, call your ISP. They can fix anything. Even better, call an ISP you don't have an account with and waste their time!
5. If it's obviously busy (I.E. you had to wait on hold for more than a minute) proceed to bitch and whine about having to wait on hold for at least 3 times as long as you were actually holding.
6. If it's obviously not busy (I.E. your call was picked up less than 5 seconds after dialing 5) proceed to bitch and whine about having to wait on hold for nearly an hour.
7. If you have a speaker phone, turn the microphone volume all the way up and the speaker volume all the way down.
8. If you use a cellular phone, move your computer into the corner of your house where you get the worst reception possible.
9. If you only have a regular phone, call in on the line your computer is connected to and insist that you can go online while you're on the phone. Continually try to connect to the internet to prove this.
10. Argue with the tech support person when they tell you that you need a modem to use a dialup internet connection. Tell them that when you got the computer you were promised it had everything you needed.
11. The book that came with your computer (the one called "Manual") actually is a novel about a hispanic migrant worker and isn't worth reading.
12. The correct answer to an either/or question is "Yes."
13. The correct answer to a Yes or No question is a five-minute tirade about how you never got Hungry Hungry Hippos when you were a child.
14. The modem is the big box that everything plugs into.
15. The hard drive is the big box that everything plugs into.
16. A wireless internet connection "just works" no matter where you are. If it doesn't, it's obviously your dialup ISP's fault.
17. Your ISP can afford to pay people to read through all incoming email in order to remove spam and viruses. They can afford to do this while charging everyone less than $20 a month.
20. Your ISP can help you with anything. If they say they can't or try to get you to call someone else, it's because they're being lazy and need you to yell at a supervisor.
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xposted to nobodyreal customers_suck customrulelist